Yet...in the middle of the night...or on a bad day......or when Elin is in pain or unhappy....or we have a stream of endless appointments ahead....everything is far from easy. I'm acutely aware that most of you with children will see our life and what happened to Elin as your worst nightmare- why wouldn't you? It's hard living the life of someone's worst nightmare. It's hard, harder than you could imagine to grip hold of the positivity and not drown in the swamp of what could have been for Elin. The life she could have had and the experiences we could have given her. How can I say I would never change her? I would give everything I own in the world, sell my soul and even relinquish my GHD hair straighteners if it meant I could go back in time to the 22nd July 2008 and wave a magic wand. Not for me, but for her. Ok- a bit for me. A tiny bit for me and for Paul. But mostly for her. But sadly, in the absence of a Tardis, this is impossible, so you have to get on. Train your brain not to think about it, which mostly, it doesn't. Only sometimes...when she's sleeping......and the life you never lived, the sliding doors you didn't make it through, the parallel universe of the other Elin's life weighs heavy on your mind and in your heart and slaps you across the face with it's vicious finality. During these times, I can't do certain things. I can't be around other little girls and their parents (something Paul finds particularly difficult). I can't go shopping, I can't think very much about anything at all. I can't fake a smile and I can't see my friends. Luckily for me, these slaps across the face do not come very often. Or maybe they do, but I can deal with them more easily now. Because ultimately, as regular blog readers will know, my overwhelming feeling regarding Elin is luck, how incredibly lucky we are to have her in our lives. She has taught us far more than we can ever teach her- how many parent's can say that? But, if Im acting weird or changing arrangements or being naggy at any point for seemingly no reason- please forgive me. I'm just waiting for the slap to stop stinging. Im holding Elin tight and I'm crying into her hair. I'm waiting for the storm to pass because it might not be a good day to dance in the rain.
But it will pass, it always does. It can't not, when you see Elin smiling up at you in her beautiful innocence. She is my reason to keep dancing. And you know what? Sometimes embracing the storm in what feels like a very black and white world means you end up unexpectedly landing in a place of colour you never knew existed in your heart.. "far far away, behind the moon and beyond the rain"..... well, you know the rest. I love you so much Elin. The rainbow in my cloud.
Elin today. A little wild flower in the garden, waiting for a storm -pleasingly a literal storm, not a metaphorical one ;-) Have a good weekend folks. Keep dancing.