Living with Cerebral Palsy 🍋🍋

Friday, 9 March 2012

That Dream...

Had That Dream. Parents of profoundly disabled kids will know which dream right now, before I even describe it. Yup- the one where something amazing happens. The one where your child speaks, or performs their own miracle by getting up and walking. I barely have these dreams. I can count them on one hand in over three years. My friends and family do though. They are always dreaming Elin can speak, or walk. I have often wondered why I, as a person used to vivid dreaming, never encounters these sorts of dreams myself. I suppose the answer must be that me brain is offering up a sort of self-protection instinct. My sub-conscious is saving me from something I simply cannot think about, even in my sleep. Well done brain, that is rather clever of you. However sometimes, very very occasionally my brain slips up, and a dream get's through. And it's wonderful and amazing and miraculous, but it stops as soon as I open my eyes and I am left feeling...I don't know......disgruntled..... for days.
I had one such dream the other night, it was a 'talking' dream this time. She spoke to me, I heard her voice. Even in my dream I knew this was amazing 'Paul! She spoke!!' I screamed in my dream, overwhelmed with it all. But do you know what was the strongest and most overriding emotion? The relief my dream-persona felt. It washed over me, literally. Yes! She can speak. This opens a door, this changes everything. The dream-me could tell, even in a split second, the enormity of the situation. But then I have to wake up and of course that is the hardest part. I find myself telling people about my funny dream. I hear myself saying cheerily "It was so nice to hear her voice, even if it was just a dream" before I realise how desperately sad that actually is, how sad that makes me feel. Elin is nearly 4 years old and the only time I have heard, or am ever likely to hear, her voice is in a dream. So as wonderful as the 5 minutes of dream was, I hope my brain remembers that I would really rather not have dreams like that. Because the truth is I can't handle them. Just ask my sub-conscious, she knows.
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