Show me the gas and air...

I am late writing this post, I got way-layed! Nevertheless it was an important moment and I need to share it! A few weeks ago a lovely acquaintance of mine asked me to write a piece for her blog. This is a blog I have long admired and moreover, it was a blog for 'ordinary' Mummy's i.e no 'disability' focus. The author, Clemmie, is a midwife and Mummy of two and the blog features, among other things, a weekly 'birth story' . I was asked if I would mind submitting Elin's birth story and a bit about what it was like bringing up a child with disabilities. I was so pleased to be asked and I jumped at the chance. I was just so chuffed that the author of this amazing (and popular!) blog would choose to include a story like mine, which in terms of birth stories did not really end happily (in the 'ordinary' sense). Sometimes, I can feel very left out when people, inevitably and in various random situations,  discuss their birth stories. It's a kind of rite of passage, isn't it, for women. A common theme, something to laugh about and share. It's a bit like being in a club. Those who have not been through it can never know what it's like or even begin to imagine. It unifies Mothers everywhere, from discussing how helpful (or not) your partner was to the more gruesome tales of numbers of stitches and hours spent pushing. But these stories, they always end with a laugh or a wry smile, because (almost always) it turned out ok. The story had a good ending. Everybody lived happily ever after. My story is different and thus not really appropriate for light-hearted situations. It can be a bit of a conversation stopper, or more so- something I don't want to get into to fear of bringing the atmosphere down. So when Clemmie asked me to write MY story, for her blog which is being read by a lot of Mummy's but also pregnant ladies, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude that someone was including us in the whole 'birth story' situation. I was also terrified about writing a really naff piece, or a piece that would upset or worry and pregnant ladies reading it (what happened to Elin happens in about one in 1,200 births- stats which are still not low enough in my opinion). Also, I didn't really know what to include. Truth be told I could write a book about the first four weeks after Elin was born, such was the magnitude of what was happening and the amount of ups and downs. Anyway, I wrote what I could, from the heart, and Clemmie was kind enough to publish it on her wonderful blog. I was humbled to learn that she had many wonderful responses to it and I have gained a few more followers in the process, too. So, if you are a fan of blogs, follow this one. Clemmie gave me a chance to feel like our story was nothing to hide away and it meant a huge amount to me. Also- it's a  bloody good blog :-) P.S If you want to read my post, just scroll down the home page until you find it. .http://gasandairblog.com/

The kindness of strangers.....

It's in the little girl in the waiting room wearing the same dress as Elin, in the same size, joyfully chattering away and showing us  her new shoes and showing Elin how their dresses match though she gets no response.
It's in the consideration of the doctor asking Elin which sticker she would like for 'being brave' even though she knows she cannot answer, and I will answer for her (the penguin one please, we like penguins)
It's in the face of the balloon man making a flower for Elin as we pass by, making it pink, because she is a girl and handing it to me with a smile when she does not reach out to take it from him
It's in the cheery pat on the head the bus driver gives Elin every morning and the greeting 'Alright Chicken, ready for school?' never disuaded by her silent gaze
It's in glances in the coffee shop, the desperation not to stare, the smiles directed our way, the universal 'bless her' sound 'awwww'
It's in the grandma in Marks and Spencers who I have never seen before or since who touches my arm as she stands next to Elin's wheelchair and says 'you're doing a wonderful job you know'
It's in the shop assistant who let's me sit on a display chair because Elin is crying and needs to come out of her buggy and wraps my gifts super-fast and gives me two free carrier bags for all the other stuff we're trying to shove under the buggy so we can manage a bit easier
It's in the traffic warden who doesn't punish us even though I forgot the blue badge
It's in the comments from friends of friends on a video I posted online of a small achievement of Elin's, they think it's 'incredible' and 'awesome' and 'wonderful'
It's in the Tesco cashier who saw us in the paper regarding rights of the disabled and tells us to 'keep fighting, good for you!'
It's everywhere,
Love (it's all around you...)
And it's amazing

Elin answers Mummy- watch to end (amazing) :-)

And please exuse the fact that apparently I laugh like an evil witch!!

All the small things...

Elin seems better! Fingers crossed the antibiotics have cleared whatever was upsetting her. Yesterday something really small happened, but it was the best part of my day. After arriving home from school and having spent quite a while on the school bus Elin had to endure an immediate trip out in the car to go and pick Caitlin up from the school bus- not ideal considering how much she hates travel- the school transport home is normally quite enough for one day! Anyway Daddy wasn't home in time to save her from this fate so she had to come with me. Predictably she cried (loudly!) all the way. We stopped at the bus stop for Caitlin and she got in and having had an eventful day began filling me in straight away. I watched Elin's eye's widen in the rear-view and she stopped crying, immediately. She had, without a doubt recognised Caitlin's voice and was listening intently. Her eyes were darting everywhere as if looking for her sister. Then, suddenly, the biggest grin you have ever seen spread across her face and she began laughing-really laughing. Bear in mind as she had been poorly for a good few days, we hadn't seen many smiles recently. She was still in her car seat, the car was still moving. It was an undeniable reaction to Caitlin and nothing else. It was absolutely joyous to see and as Caitlin bent around from the passenger seat to make a huge fuss of her I was reminded of the worst phrase anyone had ever uttered to us about Elin during the past five years. A consultant, who prophesied when she was four months that she would never be, quote "A thinking person". Well guess what..I think she was thinking. I think she was thinking she was really glad to hear her sister's voice and she couldn't wait to get out of her car seat for a cuddle. A small thing. But such a big thing for us. In your face, doc. What do you know? :-)

Sick September and an aborted walk...

Well it's September and as most parent's will know this means bug-time. Mercifully Elin has had an amazing transition back to school after the holidays and though September is a notoriously difficult time for her health-wise (and also because of the change in routine being back at school five full days) she was doing amazingly well. Note: When your SEN child is doing amazingly well, approach with caution!! Yup, that's right, I spoke too soon. Elin's not bad, but she's not right. A trip to docs on Friday after school and we came away with diarreah-inducing antibiotics, but full of hope that they would clear up what we suspect is a urine infection. Urine infections are not only a nightmare for poor Elin, they are a nightmare for us too because they often involve the dreaded urine sample.  Luckily the lovely doctor agreed to antibiotics without one but pointed out in would be best to drop one of if we could. Most parents will identify with the dreaded attempt-to-collect-urine situation. When your child has issues like Elin's it's worse- she cannot show us when she is ready for the loo. I have sat for hours with her over a tin pot before now, when the hospital (un)wisely got rid of the bags you used to just stick onto her and wait for her to wee. In fact, trying to catch a urine sample when she was poorly once, then getting one and knocking it over was almost soley responsible for one of my few and far between complete meltdowns (the kind when you have to have a cuddle from your Mum, cos that's all that will do). Anyway, I digress. My local docs is not as forward-thinking as the hospital and they gave us a bag to stick to her (hurray!). Elin managed to hold in a wee from 11:00 this morning until 4:30!! But she finally did it and yup, you guessed it, as I delightedly and carefully un-stuck the bag, the urine gleefully poured out in front of my eyes through a hole in the bottom. I could have cried. I didn't, but I could have. Luckily I suddenly remembered a urine catching kit I had from last time we needed it and she is currently wearing an attractive pad which she will hopefully saturate soon (but probably won't) so I can then suck out the urine with a syringe and pour it into a sample bottle. I'm keen to get her urine tested as something is bothering her and I'd like to cross it off the list. During this time today we attempted a walk outside in one of the hottest September weekends ever with one of my lovely friends and her two daughter's, keeping us company whilst Paul and Caitlin are in London for the weeknd. Elin was not having it. Back to thrashing around, leaning over to her left so far she was almost bent in two (and her butterfly harness horribly pressing against her skin) then finally 'jumping' up and down in her seat, pushing with her feet so her legs are almost strait (and look painfully close to snapping in two!!) This is massively disappointing given how wonderful she has been since the start of term. I cannot stand to see her like this, it's unbelievably upsetting, We had to turn around and come strait back home (even though I had got her out twice to try and placate her!) I can only hope it's as a general result of feeling 'under the weather' and not yet another backwards step. She is having a new buggy in the next couple of months I can only hope it's sooner rather than later and moreover, that it makes a difference. 

*Video won't upload!*

It's nothing like being in Holland!!

This is a wonderful piece written by someone far more articulate than myself about that poem "Welcome to Holland". Every parent of an SEN child will know this poem because loads of people tell you to read it when you discover the unthinkable about your baby. Like the author here, despite the poem being undeniably uplifting, it always bothered me. I found it slightly patronising and pretty rose-tinted. Read this guy's response to it, because frankly I couldn't have put it better myself.

http://not-hothead-yet.livejournal.com/703116.html

Autumn day's when the grass is jewelled......

Well it's the second week in September and Autumn is fast approaching. My slippers have replaced my birkenstocks, I'm thinking about putting the leccy blanket on the bed and yesterday Paul lit the first fire. I'm glad. I love Autumn. It's my favourite season. Obviously I like the sun and the Summer- who doesn't? But I sometimes feel the gap between 'normal' (I use that word very cautiously) family life and our life more readily in the Summer. Summer is a time for getting out and about, for day trips, visits, swims at the seaside, holidays, sunbathing, spending time in a beer garden, going to the park. Stuff that can be hard for us, especially if Elin is not in the mood to sit/travel.  It can feel like we're missing out, it can make me think about what we could be doing. There is not a more dangerous phrase for your psyche, believe me, than one which starts with 'If only......'. So Summer, despite it's advantages, can be difficult for me. Not so with Autumn. The first time it's dark before eight, I feel like celebrating. I woke up this morning and noticed the leaves on the tree outside our bedroom window had just started to turn. We are surrounded by tree's and Autumn is simply stunning by us. I was elated. You see, Autumn and Winter narrow the gap. It's beginning to get cold, windy, rainy. Most families enjoy snuggling up together, not going very far, spending a lot of time indoors. Like us. Our way of life becomes the 'norm' for everyone and in simple terms it just makes me feel better. Less guilty over things I should be attempting to do, less sad when we try and Elin does not enjoy them, less distraught that we cannot have the day out we would ordinarily have chosen, less introspective about the could-have beens- for all of us as a family. Oh- also, Elin looks pretty cute in a wooly hat :-) So, hello Autumn I missed you and the comforting crunch of the leaves beneath my feet and the sight of my breath in the air. By next Easter I will forget how I feel about you and I will be silently pleading for the Summer to arrive so I can pack away my UGG boots and get some Vitamin C into my skin. But for now, our love affair shall continue toward Christmas, my absolute favourite time of year bar none...but that's another story....
"Autumn days when the grass is jewelled
And the silk inside a chesnut shell
Jet-Planes meeting in the air to be re-fuelled
All the things I love so well
So I musn't forget, no I musn't foget
To say a great big THANK YOU
I mustn't foget"