Thursday 22 October 2009
Babies babies everywhere...
Recently there are babies everywhere, pregnancies amongst friends , newborns smiling out at me from Facebook. It makes me feel weird. I love baby news, I know how precious a healthy happy baby is and Im genuinely happy for everyone. But if I really look inside and am honest, every single piece of news like this is tinged for me ever so slightly. Because I will never, ever be able to get my head around how EVERYBODY but me can fall pregnant (without 4 years of trying and horrendous, expensive IVF that is) and 9 months later go home with their baby safe and well. There is a column in the local paper written by a new dad on the joys of fatherhood. I can't even read it- once I read it and he was talking about how he watched his baby pull himself up to standing for the first time in his cot and then smile with joy at his own little achievement. It made me feel sick with jealousy. And believe me, I hate myself for that, it's not something I like about myself or I like feeling AT ALL . But it's there. I can't deny to myself it's there. It's there in photo's of other people's babies. It's there when there are babies on the telly younger than Elin doing things I can only dream of for her. It's there when I watch my friends babies develop and change at lightning speed. It's there when the other babies say 'Mum' (or say anything at all). It's there alright and it's bloody hard work to make yourself immune to it, when your heart is still broken and you're wonderig if it will ever feel fixed again.
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I must admit that this is something i worry/have worried about when we put pics of Junior on facebook and this weekend. wish i knew what the answer was but i don't. thought i'd ramble here so you knew i was reading and that what you're going through is entirely understandable.
ReplyDeleteOh bless you but that's definitely the last thing I want, I love looking at my friends baby pictures and it's not like Elin isn't here- god knows i put enough photo's of her up lol- it's just a bit hard now and then- hence the post- would be gutted if i thought stopped doing/saying anything they wanted to for fear of upsetting me- most of the time i dont even feel like that it just hits you sometimes is all! As for the wkend i was buzzing after seeing Adam, he was joyfull!!! I could never be sad about seeing happy healthy wee ones so WHEN ARE YOU COMING BACK LOL I think Adam wants me to rap to him again...or maybe not.....
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