Needless to say it's going to be an emotional weekend. I've been thinking about how utterly terrified I was on the day Elin was born in 2008 and in the days/weeks/months that followed. How nothing seemed like it would ever be the same again. I really, really wish I could hop into the Tardis and go back and give my 26 year-old self some advice. So that's what this post is, nine things on Elin's ninth birthday that I would tell myself as I sat by her cot in Special Care.
Nine practical things I wish I'd known, that may have helped, just a little.
Everything will be ok.
What happened to Elin during her birth was completely
and utterly, categorically100% not your fault.
When you get home things
will not magically become ok. Getting Elin home from Special Care is not the
end, it's only the beginning. It will take months before you even start feeling
anywhere close to 'normal' again. Don't pressurise yourself to bounce back.
Don't pressurise yourself to do anything.
Don’t feel obliged to see
your Mum friends and their babies. They will be incredibly kind but cannot
possibly understand what you are going through in their warm and fuzzy glow.
The milestones their babies are hitting are too painful to watch as Elin lies
like a beautiful and precious china doll in your
arms. Instead get in touch with another Mummy in your position.
There will be nothing more invaluable to you than another Mum who understands
your emotions-all seven hundred of them- without you having to say a word.
Anybody else will still be there when you are ready.
Ask for help. Ask for
people to bring you cooked meals, let your mum do your washing when she offers.
Stop trying to be brave. Nobody expects it. Cry as often as you like. Get
counselling, its not shameful or weak, its there to help.
Don’t be sorry when you see
that older child with severe disabilities. Don’t be heartbroken and terrified
that the girl with the floppy body, flailing limbs and adult bib will one day
be Elin. Because when one day that IS Elin, that is not what you will see when
you pass another child like this. You will see her amazing sunny smile, it will
make you smile, too. You'll see the laughter at her Mum’s voice and
the unmistakable bond between them as she sings her a favourite song.
You will be thrilled with how strong she looks and how well she seems. You will
exchange a knowing glance of solidarity with the Mum pushing the chair looking
back at you. There will be a world of pain and exhaustion but mostly
immense joy and gratitude in that one glance. You are united in a special club,
the secret club only a handful of parents will ever understand, of what it’s
like to raise your amazing, wonderful, loving, incredible severely disabled
children. Pity will not even enter your head.
You will experience more
compassion, kindness, love and understanding from your family, your friends,
work colleagues, acquaintances and even complete strangers than you ever
thought possible. You will realise the world is not always a bad place. You
will see the goodness in people’s hearts in how they respond to Elin and you
will count your lucky stars every day for those that surround you. These people
will save your life without ever even knowing it.
One day, when the
pain has ebbed away, when the memories and trauma of this day have faded, when
your tears have dried up, when Elin has settled into a life, when there are
fewer hospital appointments, when has been seizure free for eighteen months,
when she goes to a school she loves and is happy every single day, when smiling
is the very first thing she does after opening her eyes, you will be lighting a
number ‘9’ candle on her birthday cake, incredulous that you got
this far and you will feel like the luckiest Mummy on earth. I promise.
Everything will be
ok. There's nothing to be scared of. Actually, everything will be more than ok.
Happy Birthday Elin
xxxxxxxxx
Happy 9th Birthday Elin.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing!!
ReplyDeleteOh this is just beautiful and perfect and exactly the things that I would tell myself. Happy 9th birthday, you beautiful, amazing girl. Xxx
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. I hope someone at the start of a similar journey reads this and feels more confident in what lies ahead for them. Happy birthday Elin!
ReplyDelete#PostsFromtheHeart
What an amazing and moving post. You have obviously come such a long way on your journey together over the past 9 years. Happy 9th birthday to beautiful Elin! #PostsFromTheHeart
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful post, I love it and I'm sure it will be a comfort to so many mums. I hope Elin had a truly wonderful 9th birthday. #PostsFromTheHeart
ReplyDeleteHappy birthday! What a lovely photo at the end - another great read x #postsfromtheheart
ReplyDeleteHappy Birthday Beautiful Girl !! You are much stronger than you will ever know #Postsfromtheheart
ReplyDelete