Wedding Belle

It seems life is full of milestones for Elin at the moment! 10th birthday, 3 years hospital-free (more on that in another blog!) and the final year of primary school to name but a few. Last weekend, she hit another one. First time being a bridesmaid!! This was a big one for me. It's just another right of passage that- all those years ago staring at a tiny baby on a ventilator in SCBU- I never even considered Elin would be lucky enough to make. I never realised how much I long for Elin to have ordinary little-girl experiences until they come along and then I can't believe our luck. It's an extremely fortunate position to be in.
It goes without saying how beautiful she looked and how proud we were to see her at my twin sister's wedding. She had a cold, had been up most of the night before and still managed a twelve-hour day in a completely unfamiliar environment with lots of voices and people she didn't know. What a trouper. She did minimal good sitting, but this was fine- I hadn't really expected her to sit well all day, it's sod's law after all (she had mostly done great sitting all week!!). I didn't worry about it. A few years ago we couldn't have even been sure she would make the day, certainly not last the whole day so we will, as usual, take small blessings as they come!!

Elin did manage to sit beautifully as she went down the aisle, pushed by my lovely Mum. I was so glad Mum had such an integral role in the service, that is, delivering the most important guest down the aisle!! Elin was followed by Caitlin and then me (I feel like I'm maybe a bit old to be a bridesmaid but I enjoyed every second and was grateful nobody tried to saddle me with the god-awful 'Matron of Honour' title!!) My photo's, by the way, are not great- surely the sign of a good day- far too busy having fun to get great pics!! That's what the photographer is for and we are looking forward to seeing the 'official' pics very soon! (I'm looking down in this shot presumably because I can't believe I have to stand next to a gorgeous 20-year old all day!!)

Caitlin and I had a ball being bridesmaids (a bit too much fun - I was still recovering on Monday and rumour has it Rosset Hall ran out of red wine that night!!). We shared a room in the hotel, as Super- Dad Paul brought Elin home in the evening once she had seen the night guests- we knew it would all be getting a bit much for her by then and Paul knew he would be dying for a cup of tea and a ginger biscuit! One of my favourite parts of the wedding was getting to spend some quality time with Caitlin even if she did lead me astray and make me do shots like a student!! It's completely her fault that I drank so much, honest!! Although if you can't drink a bit too much at your only sisters wedding then I don't know when you can :-) Caitlin sang at the ceremony and was, of course, brilliant. Regrettably we didn't get a video of her renditions of 'Fools Rush In" by Elvis, "At Last" by Etta James, or Elton John's "Your Song"-but suffice to say the registrar couldn't complete her tasks because she was so busy crying!! We were once again extremely proud. Elin was of course delighted to spend the day with her favourite person.

   My sister and her wife Katy looked absolutely stunning.  It was so amazing to see them both so happy and to share their perfect day. It was a joyous day, too, after some difficult times for the family this past year. I can't tell you how good it feels to know that your sister has found a life partner who is so awesome as Katy and who deserves her so thoroughly. Weddings are just such gorgeous, life-affirming occasions aren't they? Seeing all your nearest and dearest under one roof is truly good for the soul. The way everyone comes together to celebrate (in this case from as far away as Australia!!) and just pulls together to create a magical day for the special couple can't help but leave you with the warmest and fuzziest of feelings!! It makes you feel like everything will be ok. Love triumphs. Always.

Thanks to everyone who came and made a real effort to ensure the day was special, it really meant a lot. What I loved was seeing two families join together and just enjoy the amazing atmosphere that comes about when two people promise to spend the rest of their lives together. What could be better? On an even more personal level I think what Paul and I will cherish from the day aside from this is the image of Elin surrounded once again by such immense happiness and love. Tomorrow is twelve months since we lost Elin's little friend and cosmic twin, Ellie. We know how lucky we are. We take nothing for granted.

Have a great weekend, folks. May you always be as loved as a newlywed and as happy as an ageing,  drunken bridesmaid :-)

Ruth x

Elin's Diary #8

Last week was pretty uneventful really, as weeks go. But we like uneventful sometimes, especially after a busy half term! Elin had her usual appointments, but swapped Hippotherapy for Orthotics which was necessary but nowhere near as much fun. Boo! I went to London for weekend to visit family. Unfortunately, we think visits to family will have to be done this way (i.e in relay) for the foreseeable future. The journey down with Elin at Christmas was a bit of a nightmare. When Dystonia makes it impossible for her to sit, a five hour car stint becomes pretty impossible. What happens is that she ends up working herself into such a state that you just can't bare to put her through it. Red face, lathered in sweat, breathing even becomes compromised for her. It's awful (and scary) to watch so goodness knows what it's like for Elin. The last time we attempted the train down instead was a nightmare too so for now it feels like there isn't an easy solution. This is obviously really upsetting since a large chunk of our family live in London. We are still waiting for a referral to Dr Lin, Dystonia expert at The Evalina Children's Hospital and it can't come quick enough. Elin's seating issues have affected her life experiences for way too long (meaning forever!) and now she is getting big the issues are amplified tenfold. Simple things like going away for a couple of days as a family can be traumatic for Elin. It's a part of her condition I find hardest to accept. She so loves company and different voices and new experiences but it feels impossible to expose her to these things when she can't sit in a chair or be in a vehicle. We just have to live for the times when she can manage it, and there are times, I just wish it wasn't so inconsistent for her.
Anyway as I enjoyed a lovely night in London (it still blows my mind that I can be in London in a couple of hours from Chester- it literally feels like you've landed on another planet when you get to Euston), Elin played her Daddy up something rotten and kept him up pretty much all night. Oh dear! Paul always says he can never sleep when I'm not here anyway, I think he feels the weight of responsibility of keeping one ear out for Elin waking up (usually my job) but I think it does him good to know what it's like to be 'on call' all night! In fairness he is as wonderful early morning as he is hopeless in the middle of the night so this division of labour means I get a lie in on a Saturday and Sunday and in school holidays which I'm happy to trade for a full night's sleep the rest of the time. I really, really don't like early mornings!
So I got back from London on Sunday and Elin slept really well (ha!) then it was back into the school routine again except this time with the unwelcome guest, the 'Beast from the East' !! Yep, this week we've had snow falling snow on snow, snooooowwww on snoooowwwww and it really feels (as if it didn't before) like a truly bleak mid-winter.

A Dystonia free happy journey in the car to the Cranial Osteopath this week, complete with home made, hand knitted Giraffe hat!! Erm...not by me obviously. I can't even hem my own trousers let alone knit, despite being quite adept when I was around nine years old thanks to my Nan. I think I even made a blanket once. I guess the novelty wore off! Anyway the visit to the Osteopath was a big success, Elin loved it and slept ALL NIGHT afterwards. Worth every penny. We've also noticed she's been breathing better since her visits started in December too. I always err on the side of caution/scepticism when it comes to alternative therapies but I'm open to try anything because I just don't think it can possibly harm. Cranial Osteopathy worked for sure when Elin was a tiny baby and I think it's working for her again, in a gentle and subtle way. Anything that makes her feel relaxed is a bonus in my eyes. I think she deserves a bit of a pamper now and then!
Following this, the weather sort of went off-the-scale crazy. We started to feel like we were in "Dr Zhivago" each time we went out of the door (minus the cossacks). This led to Elin having a self prescribed snow day today and it's not looking good for tomorrow either...

Elin kept toasty warm inside the cottage!! I hate her missing school but in temperatures of minus five and roads to us covered in snow and ice it's sort of inevitable. Sometimes you just have to give in to the elements.
Being off school gave us time to try our "World Book Day" costume on. Elin's school isn't doing it until next week but I thought we might as well have a practise run. I'm glad we did! Her costume looked GORGEOUS ...but it was too small! Arghhhhh!! Also when you have a child that lies/sits pretty much all day a giant stuffed hood maybe isn't a good idea. Neither is a onesie (that's too tight) when you factor in nappy changes. So it's back to the drawing board for me (fear not I have an idea- Don't panic Captain Manering!!) but of course I have to share the photo with you because it's just too cute not to. I think someone special to us who might be reading this would love this costume in particular, such a shame it wasn't to be. You have to imagine it, of course, with a lovely vintage suitcase and a plate of marmalade sandwiches....

How sad that Paddington Drake wasn't meant to be! Tune in next week to find out what the more sensible alternative is (disclaimer: it's not as good). Damn you Cerebral Palsy and your costume restrictive issues! Still, we'll alway have this amazing photo and I got to spend the afternoon cuddling a real life bear so it's not all bad.
Hope you all have a great week, stay safe in the snow if you've got what we have!
Thanks for reading as ever,
Ruth x

Half Term

Hurray for half term and lazy mornings! Elin has had a lovely week, she even managed to do some super sitting in her chair (and some not-so super sitting too of course!) so we're really proud of her.  The week kicked off very nicely with a visit from Caitlin who was home from Drama School in London to celebrate her 20th birthday.  Of course, Elin was absolutely delighted and had an added treat of actually having Caitlin putting her to bed, which she loved. I felt really sad when I realised that Caitlin wouldn't be there when she opened her eyes again in the morning, Elin just adores her so much it's hard to contemplate what her little mind is thinking when Caitlin is not around. I know that Elin very much lives in the moment and so I try to remember that but still, seeing them together and knowing they have to be split up again tends to make me a bit emotional! I sometimes worry that Elin is a bit lonely on the weekend or in school holidays with only Paul and I to play with.

This is what Paul came back with from the kitchen when I told him we needed a candle for Caitlin's cake!!!!!

Elin so enjoys company and especially being around children- which we saw yet more evidence of visiting our family in Yorkshire again this half term. At the start of the week we spent a lovely (but snowy!) couple of days with Elin's nephew, Gruff,  who you might remember from past posts :-)   Gruff is the son of Elin's big brother, Gareth, and his gorgeous wife Marianne. Gruff and Elin are pretty good buddies :-) Anyway this visit, Gruff was especially loving and Elin was especially happy about it. Gruff did not leave her side, whether he was 'brumming' his cars over her face, playing peek-a-boo with her, or basically just cuddling her to death. It was GORGEOUS!!

Gruff just playing  bit of body percussion on Elin!!

Big cuddles

When we returned from Yorkshire we decided a rainy Wednesday would be a good day to take Elin to the pictures. She hasn't been for ages and with here dystonia playing up a bit lately we weren't sure if she would enjoy it. Wow we were so wrong! She loved it and for the first time EVER she sat in her chair through the entirety of the film! We saw "The Greatest Showman" hoping that a musical would keep her entertained and it really did- I don't think we've ever seen her laugh so much in the Cinema!! She absolutely loved it.

Elin then had an important appointment on Thursday at the Movement Centre in Gobowen. This was an appointment following on from the one I blogged about at Christmas, to be fitted for a new standing frame which she will use for 30 minutes a day at home to do focused head control training. The frame fitted like a glove and Elin looked very straight in it which was lovely. However, we are having massive issues with Elin's feet at the moment. The tendons in her ankles are very tight and it's been increasingly difficult to get Elin's feet anywhere near flat. Her current splints and boots accommodate this curvature but do nothing to correct it. This means because she is so vertical in this particular frame the feet end up resting in a very bad position and the splints put too much pressure on her skin and cause pain and markings. She's basically standing on her toes :-(Staff at the Centre are going to work hard with physio's and the Orthotist at Wrexham to see if we can get some more corrective splints cast just for wearing in the frame, to encourage her foot to be more flat and in a better position. It was a shame we can't start the therapy in the frame straight away but we were all agreed the benefits would be minimal unless her position and comfort are paramount. 

 Elin also managed to visit her Great-Grandad and Great Nanny this week but I stupidly didn't get any photographs! Finally Elin has just been rounding off her busy half term chilling out in her room. We've seen some more good sitting in her house chair (and again, some not so good!) she has managed over an hour at least twice this holiday! Wow!

We even managed to find some time to paint Elin's nails an awesome sunshine yellow colour!! Better make sure we remove it before Monday, even though it does actually match her school uniform. Strike a pose, Elin! 

So, it's been a lovely holiday (even though I seem to have acquired a nasty bug- fingers very firmly crossed that Elin doesn't get it!) but I think Elin will be glad to go back to school on Monday for lots of fun with her friends. 

Just including this picture because of this amazing dress!! It was a Christmas present, what a lucky girl!!

Hope you all have a good week folks. Until next time.

xxxxxx

Elin's Diary #7

Just look at this little beauty all snuggly in her winter Aran jumper! Lately I have been catching myself staring in complete shock at how big Elin is getting. It makes me feel so proud that she is so well, healthy and happy as she slowly approaches her 10th birthday. It also makes me panic. I'm not ready for her to be bigger, or older. I worry about what this means for her. I know she has years and years left of schooling before we have to think about what happens when she is no longer in full time education. But the last 10 years suddenly appear to have passed in the blink of an eye. Caitlin was 20 yesterday (coming home for snuggles with Elin this weekend) and believe me it feels like she was 10 about a week ago!!  Paul is great at not thinking about things until we absolutely have to, but I am a bit more of a worrier. I also hate change, so it's difficult to think about Elin growing up from a child into a teenager without having an element of fear underpinning my pride in the amazing person she has become. I guess I also have to think about just how far she has come in those 10 years too, though. The difference in her now to when she was a baby is incredible. She has developed and improved in ways we never thought imaginable. So from that angle, the next 10 years are also potentially very exciting. That's what I have to remember when I feel scared. 

As well as looking forward this week I've also been looking back a bit! This is a photo of Elin with Alfie. Alfie is the son of one of my oldest friends and one of my four fab flatmates from Drama College in Edinburgh. Laura and I hit it off right away when we met back in 1999, both of us hundreds of miles from home and sharing a black sense of humour, a love of cheap fizzy wine and an obsession with the Spice Girls (I know, I know, don't judge me it was the 90's!). Anyway Laura was able to visit last week from Stratford where she and Alfie are living with Alfie's brilliant Daddy who is currently performing with the RSC, a bit closer to us than their permanent base in London, so we could finally introduce Elin and Alfie, which was just lovely. It's so weird when one minute you're holding each other's hair over the toilet bowl after an over indulgent student house party and the next minute you're children are getting to know each other!! Elin is one lucky girl to have so many people who care about her in her life. 

In terms of actual activity this week Elin hasn't been up to much outside of school, what with the weather deciding to be apocalyptic again. She took her traditional Valentines balloon into school for her little boyfriend Llew and enjoyed making a snappy green crocodile baguette! She's also been enjoying some painting and listening to sensory stories. The above picture was taken today at her weekly horse-riding session at the Clwyd special Riding Centre. Paul and I were super impressed today as she had been pretty dystonic in the car on the way, so we wondered how much benefit she would get from today's session. But as soon as she was on the mechanical horse she totally relaxed and settled into it's rhythm once again which was so lovely to see. Today the physio worked on getting Elin's hands into a nice relaxed position and we were thrilled to see how well she did! Her hands stayed like this for the duration of the session, so good progress was made again. 

Well today marks half term for us! We are looking forward to seeing Caitlin tomorrow when she pops back home from London for her birthday and then we are going to visit family in Yorkshire for a couple of days. After that, Elin has a couple of appointments (one important one at the Movement Centre!) so I know I'll have a lot to update with next time. Until then, thanks for reading and have a great week! 

Ruth xxx

Elin’s Diary #2

Wow. Just look at this year’s School photograph! It arrived yesterday and looks even better than the proof they sent home for ordering, which is a good job since I ordered enough to keep the photography company in business for another twelve months! We both actually had a little cry when we opened the package that came home with her on Friday and saw what a truly beautiful photo it is. She looks so grown up and the way the light in her eyes is shining is just so perfect. I think it really captures Elin’s cheeky spirit. A massive shout-out has to go to the School staff here -the eagle eyed among you might notice that there is a person holding Elin draped in black cloth (genius solution to the dystonia/seating issue which can hamper school photo day and has done in the past). This person is Elin’s ever amazing key worker and I know her class teacher and possibly others would have been there too working hard to orchestrate a good shot. It can be so difficult and we so appreciate the outcome. It’s the best one we’ve had for years I think Elin looks like a movie star! So any family reading this you WILL be getting a copy of this and any non-family members who fancy a wallet sized snap or bookmark give me a shout.

It’s been another good week in the land of Elin. To my knowledge there has been no more sleeping/snoring during lesson time and Elin has started rehearsing her school Christmas play! Exciting! Perhaps the best news from school this week though came from the vision people who visited and gave Elin her annual eye test. Her vision has improved again since last time they tested her. This is fantastic news obviously and we are so proud of her. One of the most difficult things for me to grasp over all these years has been Elin’s reduced vision. I think it’s so cruel that the one thing that could greatly aid her understanding of the world around her also eludes her. Sight. But we have always known she does see, albeit in a very different way to us, so it’s been a constant attempt on our behalf and her school’s behalf to try and improve what she does have in order to keep maximising her quality of life and opportunities to communicate. It’s so wonderful and gratifying to discover that this hard work has not been in vain as she begins to track, briefly focus and follow images on a screen. Once again the kudos has to go to the experts she works with at school on a daily basis, who we use also as our guides in vision development. Once again Elin has proved the doctors wrong, since I distinctly remember being told when we were discharged from Alder Hey aged five that her vision development would probably plateau between the ages of 5-8. Go Elin!! 

This weekend will be a quiet one for Elin really as we have nothing big planned! She really enjoyed opening her advent calendar on Friday (I think it’s the sound of the foil) and even enjoyed a few licks/tastes of chocolate number one!

 

 

Safe to say I think she enjoyed it!

Finally we managed to get out for a nice walk today and Elin was largely good in her chair, hurrah! One of the things I absolutely love about where we live is the range of walks close by. Only last week we discovered a new one which looked like something out of a fairytale as you weaved through the trees on a blanket of autumn leaves without seeing a single soul. I can’t wait for it to snow because it will look exactly like Narnia there! Not all of these walls are suitable for Elin sadly, but lots of them are and we don’t even have to get in the car first. We are very lucky. I’ll leave you with two beautiful photos I got today of Elin as we were out trying to get our daily step count to 10,000 (well that’s just me in an attempt to combat the muffin top or should I say mince pie top?) Hope you have the best week, I can’t believe it’s December again already. Fun times ahead! 

Thanks for reading,

Ruth x

 

My girl:Rainbow chaser 😊🌈

Xx

It's ok not to be ready..

On this parenting journey through Quadriplegic Cerebral Palsy, there are  a lot of things we have to face that we're not ready to. This started of course at Elin's birth with accepting the diagnosis, which we didn't want to.  It continued through accepting tube feeding as a permanent,  a kitchen full of medication and a spare room full of equipment. Accepting a different community, a different set of priorities. Accepting a set of four wheels where her Clarks 'First Steps' should have been. More recently accepting a hoist just to get her into a bath. Accepting that dystonia will regularly render us housebound. We've had to accept a future we really weren't willing to approach and lets face it, a different life entirely. We had no control over any of these things- for a committed control freak that's pretty hard going!!
But, there are one or two things we have been able to delay facing. Leaving our beautiful little cottage for one (we successfully argued the case against the council to have adaptions done here, buying us a few crucial more years). Sending Elin to respite (respite facilities near here are AMAZING but thanks to help from family this is something we've not yet had to consider in terms of her care) and moving her into her own room. Yep, that's right, Elin hasn't really slept in her own room for the past nine years. I have no strange earth-Mum organic childhood development philosophy about this, I'm far from a co-sleeping parent advocate,  in general terms I'm far more practical than I am molly-coddler (when I was pregnant I had grand plans of the baby being in their own room by six months at the latest and Elin's Daddy agreed), I love my sleep and my privacy. Yet somehow, here we were. Nine long years and no movement.
Believe me I know how ridiculous this sounds and in truth I'm a bit (quite a lot actually) embarrassed about it. If you're a friend or a member of my family THANK YOU for biting your tongue on this as you undoubtedly have done. I wasn't ready to hear whatever you might have said before this year. If you're a professional involved in Elins life and you're reading this, Im sorry!! I lied because I couldn't bare to admit that we had a downstairs room kitted out for her with a hoist, moveable bed etc and we were still carrying her upstairs to sleep in our room every night. But I wasn't ready and I'm not sorry for that part. Everything else in Elin's life has had to happen whether I like it or not from day one. Decisions about her health, future and provision are rarely my own as her Mum. This was my decision and for a long time I was happy with it.
I am up often several times a night. Elin regularly chokes in her sleep. She often needs middle of the night nappy changes due to being pump fed overnight and the sheer amount of liquid she is taking in. She almost always needs medicating halfway throughout the night too, since her brain doesn't naturally produce the sleep-aid Melatonin. I just didn't see the point in racing up and down stairs all through the night to do all this. Especially when I was teaching as well as being Elin's Mummy. I was just too exhausted to want to think about it. Then my friends son who also had Quad C.P passed away in his sleep and through our heartbreak we became even more jittery. I think it would have been weird if we hadn't. So just like that, twelve months turned into two years, then four, then six and suddenly we had a nine year old sleeping in our bedroom and I was unable to carry her downstairs in the morning anymore, relying on Paul do do the lifting.
Around this time I stopped being unable to face the prospect of Elin sleeping downstairs and us sleeping upstairs. I started to wonder if it was time, the set up seemed vaguely ridiculous. She had done so much growing between he ages of 8-9. Not only that but her health has been so brilliant, no seizures or hospital admissions for almost two years. Her 9th birthday really helped me focus on all of this. She's just growing up.  I ordered a video monitor system (fantastic- 'Hello baby' from Amazon) and took a deep breath.
Last night was the first night we put 'operation big-girl sleeps' into motion. It went brilliantly. Elin only got me up once. I'm not naive enough to think that this will be the case every night and I'll probably curse my decision one night in the not too distant future on my sixth descent down the stairs, but the fact is I felt ready. We both finally felt ready as parents and I think Elin is too (it's only the past two or three moths that she's stopped choking in the night for example, something we couldn't have coped with if she was out of our sight I don't think).
I'm not writing this post to justify the past nine years, because I don't think I need to-at the end of the day that's just how it had to be for us and its surprising what you get used to. I'm writing this post because I want to share its ok not to be ready sometimes.
That goes for all aspects of Motherhood I think though, special needs or not. It comes back to trusting your gut, not pressurising yourself into things that aren't right for you and not caring what everyone else thinks (ahhhh! the true holy grail of parenthood right there!!)
Paul and I did feel a little weird this morning, this definitely marks a new era for us and we can't deny that Elin is growing up in her own special little Elin way. But mostly we felt pretty happy and totally confident that we couldn't put off this change any longer. It felt right, so it was.
And I think that's probably a pretty good rule of thumb for most of my parenting decisions, which I shall remind myself about next time I'm beating myself up over some small decision or other. Honestly I will, I promise :-)

P.s Thanks for the messages about the blog (or lack thereof). I've lost my blogging mojo a bit lately (and also my wifi connection which doesn't help but that's another story) I hope my 'Bitesize blogs' on Instagram have made up a little for this and enabled you to follow Elin's Summer adventures (link on right hand sidebar)

xxxxxx

The Mother of all fears..

How funny that 'Cerebral Palsy Awareness Day' this year should fall on the same weekend as Mothers Day, since really the two are interchangeable for me. I would like to say that Cerebral Palsy hasn't defined my experiences of Motherhood but of course that would be a lie. It has infiltrated every part of my life as a Mum from the very moment Elin didn't take that first breath. I have sometimes felt that Cerebral Palsy has stolen from me all that being a Mum should be: that sometimes, I feel more like a Nurse; that in the darker times of the past eight years I have wondered, in the absence of easy communication, if Elin even truly knows exactly who I am. Would she mind if I wasn't around? Are we bonded 'properly' like other Mummies and their daughters? My biggest fear is that anybody offering a cuddle and being a diligent carer for her would elicit the same responses from her that she greets me with. 

Deep down though, when I'm not feeling so irrational,  I know the truth is that the bond I've been so fearful about kicked in as soon as the second line popped up on my pregnancy test. That the first time I saw her, despite the tubes and the wires and the grim predictions hanging over us in the silent intensive care unit, I felt it like a wrecking ball smashing through my heart and the feeling has never left, regardless of what I thought we were missing out on together. To torture myself with thoughts of what motherhood should have been is to betray what I do share with Elin. To grieve for what never was and what can never be is not only doing nobody any good, but it demeans my relationship with her and suggests the absence of a strong bond which is very definitely there. It's true I don't enjoy the same relationship with Elin that most of my friends do with their children. I don't know the joy of first words, or first steps or anything that comes with the more 'ordinary' experience. The young children of my friends and family will, when they see me, run up and throw their arms around me. It's a lovely feeling to know someone is pleased to see you and to feel this little chubby fingers dig into your neck. But the irony is not lost on me that I have never shared such a greeting with my own daughter. Such realisations still sting, but with time I have learned to accept my own experience of being a Mum for what it is. 

It's different.
But not less. 

Not ordinary, but extra-ordinary. Because when you strip motherhood right down, what else does it mean other than pure and unconditional love, more powerful than you could ever have imagined? I feel a bit lost when Elin isn't with me, like an actual physical ache. The only thing that makes the nagging anxiety in my stomach disappear during these times is Elin's smile. As soon as I see her face, it's like a weight is lifted and I can relax again. In turn Elin will swivel her head for my voice and break out into a huge grin as soon as she hears me. It feels a little like we are two halves of a whole. Like one of those necklaces from Tammy Girl everyone in school used to have- the heart broken in two with 'Best' on one side and 'Friend' on the other. Just not really whole until they are placed together again. Yin and Yang. Elin is the best to my friend and always will be. I need to stop torturing myself because I know she thinks the same. Not because she can say it, or show it, or make me a card or run at me and throw her arms around my neck after school. 

Because I feel it. 

Have a happy Mother's Day, folks xxx