A magic celebration

I’ve blogged many times about how much I love Autumn. Part of the reason for that is because it contains Halloween. I have always loved Halloween, I’m not even sure why. Maybe it sprang from a childhood obsession with “The Worst Witch” (books and film equally) or maybe it’s because the decade I grew up in, the 1980’s, was when Halloween really started to take off as a ‘thing’ in this country and anything that came from America and was mentioned in my "Babysitter's Club" and "Judy Blume" books was by default, exciting.  By 'taking off as a thing' I don’t mean fancy costumes readily available in every supermarket, extravagant decorations everywhere you go and picking your own pumpkins in those stunningly instagrammable fields that every garden centre now boasts at this time of year. I mean making your own witches costume from a heavy duty bin bag, begging your Dad to whittle you a broomstick from a tree branch and getting a buzz from coming home in the dark after dancing up a sweat to “Thriller” and “Ghostbusters” at the Halloween disco in the school hall.  There is something tremendously nostalgic about Halloween for me and that’s before you factor in my morbid fascination with anything supernatural . Maybe I also love it because it coincides with the clocks changing, the advent of Winter and dark, cold nights, coal fires and an overall sense of cosiness the Scandinavians wholeheartedly embrace as a way of life called  ‘Hygge’ (perhaps I can blame my scandi paternal bloodline-my maiden name is Erlandson- for my adoration of Autumn and Winter?)

Like anything I adore, or get excited about, I want to share it with Elin. Like anything I want to share with Elin, I can’t. Not in the conventional sense of ways I see other parents enjoying with their children in any case. Trick or treat is meaningless to Elin. So is “The Worst Witch” and all the other things that make Halloween meaningful to me.

A couple of times, a few years ago, I tried to force my version of Halloween. It’s not until you are pushing a dystonic Elin through the cold damp streets trick or treating for things she can’t eat that you realise, with true horror, what you have always known. Elin’s experiences cannot be based on what you wish they could be, or what will make a cute photograph for the album. Her life experiences have to be based only on what is meaningful to her. Anything else is selfish, understandable-yes, well meaning- yes, but ultimately selfish. It’s a bitter pill to swallow (I still find watching other children experience common celebrations like Halloween in the regular way difficult. I don't expect that will ever go away) but since the very essence of parenting is sacrifice, it’s a no brainer. I am ashamed now, of the times over the years I may have forced experiences on her that she wasn’t going to enjoy, just so I could experience them as a Mum, but only time could bring this revelation to my door and only time could make me ready to accept it.  This epiphany is joining my list of 'things that have become easier to deal with' as the last eleven years have passed by.

Today, with Paul in London until tomorrow helping Elin’s big sister move into her new flat, Elin and I had an appropriately “Hygge” Halloween. We wrapped up and went for a crisp Autumnal walk before the sunshine disappeared. When we got home we blew up some light-up Halloween balloons to bat around (Elin finds balloons hilarious), we drew the curtains and played with our ghost-shaped fairy lights and glow in the dark glowsticks and bangles. We listened to Halloween music (thanks Amazon). We toasted marshmallows (Elin licked them and DEFINITELY enjoyed!), we cuddled up and watched the animated “Hotel Transylvania” together on the iPad and we read “Meg and Mog” before bed. It wasn’t what I had in mind when I imagined celebrating my love of Halloween with a pre-teen daughter.

But it was perfect.
As I flipped the calendar tonight I realised during all the naval gazing about Halloween today I had somehow managed to forget this now means we are in to November. This brings another celebration. Not for anyone else this time though, for us. The end of October marks four full years since Elin was admitted to hospital for anything.  Not one overnight stay since October 2015. Wow. I would have given my right arm for that when Elin was a baby. I never would have believed it was possible. So that, above the traditions and the costumes and the trick or treating and the pumpkin patches and what we do and don’t do, THAT, then, it turns out, is the true magic of our Halloween and we are so, so grateful for it.

Have a spooktacular time, folks.

xxxx

Elin's Diary #7

Just look at this little beauty all snuggly in her winter Aran jumper! Lately I have been catching myself staring in complete shock at how big Elin is getting. It makes me feel so proud that she is so well, healthy and happy as she slowly approaches her 10th birthday. It also makes me panic. I'm not ready for her to be bigger, or older. I worry about what this means for her. I know she has years and years left of schooling before we have to think about what happens when she is no longer in full time education. But the last 10 years suddenly appear to have passed in the blink of an eye. Caitlin was 20 yesterday (coming home for snuggles with Elin this weekend) and believe me it feels like she was 10 about a week ago!!  Paul is great at not thinking about things until we absolutely have to, but I am a bit more of a worrier. I also hate change, so it's difficult to think about Elin growing up from a child into a teenager without having an element of fear underpinning my pride in the amazing person she has become. I guess I also have to think about just how far she has come in those 10 years too, though. The difference in her now to when she was a baby is incredible. She has developed and improved in ways we never thought imaginable. So from that angle, the next 10 years are also potentially very exciting. That's what I have to remember when I feel scared. 

As well as looking forward this week I've also been looking back a bit! This is a photo of Elin with Alfie. Alfie is the son of one of my oldest friends and one of my four fab flatmates from Drama College in Edinburgh. Laura and I hit it off right away when we met back in 1999, both of us hundreds of miles from home and sharing a black sense of humour, a love of cheap fizzy wine and an obsession with the Spice Girls (I know, I know, don't judge me it was the 90's!). Anyway Laura was able to visit last week from Stratford where she and Alfie are living with Alfie's brilliant Daddy who is currently performing with the RSC, a bit closer to us than their permanent base in London, so we could finally introduce Elin and Alfie, which was just lovely. It's so weird when one minute you're holding each other's hair over the toilet bowl after an over indulgent student house party and the next minute you're children are getting to know each other!! Elin is one lucky girl to have so many people who care about her in her life. 

In terms of actual activity this week Elin hasn't been up to much outside of school, what with the weather deciding to be apocalyptic again. She took her traditional Valentines balloon into school for her little boyfriend Llew and enjoyed making a snappy green crocodile baguette! She's also been enjoying some painting and listening to sensory stories. The above picture was taken today at her weekly horse-riding session at the Clwyd special Riding Centre. Paul and I were super impressed today as she had been pretty dystonic in the car on the way, so we wondered how much benefit she would get from today's session. But as soon as she was on the mechanical horse she totally relaxed and settled into it's rhythm once again which was so lovely to see. Today the physio worked on getting Elin's hands into a nice relaxed position and we were thrilled to see how well she did! Her hands stayed like this for the duration of the session, so good progress was made again. 

Well today marks half term for us! We are looking forward to seeing Caitlin tomorrow when she pops back home from London for her birthday and then we are going to visit family in Yorkshire for a couple of days. After that, Elin has a couple of appointments (one important one at the Movement Centre!) so I know I'll have a lot to update with next time. Until then, thanks for reading and have a great week! 

Ruth xxx